The Companions Guide to Traveling with The Doctor
by sprit o' the greenwood
Summary: hello, if you are reading this, that means that you are traveling with the Doctor. TRUST ME, YOU ARE GOING TO NEED THIS if you are to survive. in this book are all the important things the Doctor doesn't tell you...
1. the basics

Hello. If you are reading this that must mean you are traveling with the Doctor. CONGRATULATIONS! He has seen you as worthy of showing the universe.If you plan to continue traveling with the Doctor, then TRUST ME, YOU WILL NEED THIS if you are to survive. This book will tell you all the important things that the Doctor doesn't tell you. Feel free to add to this Book for the benefit of future companions. Good Luck!

1. This is the number one rule. The Golden Rule. This rule is so important that we have put it first: The Universe is big. **The Doctor's ego is bigger.**

2. the Doctor speaks the language _technobabble (_tek-no-bab-el) - _the process of speaking at ninety miles an hour and throwing in lots of complicated phrases and technical terms that only the speaker understands._If you do not understand what he is saying, that is okay. Even if he looks at you like you just dribbled down your shirt _that is okay_. Just smile and nod and hope for the best.

3. Regeneration. The Doctor never finds time to explain this. The Doctor is a Timelord. Not a human, however human he may look. Timelords have this trick, a way of cheating death. But it means that they change. Change face, body, voice, and in the Doctor's case, outfits, even how old they look. Timelords have twelve regenerations. That means they have thirteen lives. So if the Doctor says something was lifetimes age, it literally was _lifetimes_ ago.

4. You. You are not the doctor's first traveling companion, nor will you be his last. The Doctor will live for hundreds of years and he gets lonely traveling around Time and Space alone. Do not think that you are an individual. You are just one in a long line of traveling companions. But don't worry. He never forgets a single one.

5. Yes, we know the T.A.R.D.I.S. is bigger on the inside than on the outside. Get over it.

6. the Doctor is on the run from his fellow Timelords on the planet Gallifrey so don't ask to see his home planet because you will be met with either excuses of an evil glare.

7. the doctor's favorite planet is earth, so if you find yourself spending a lot of time there don't worry. He's not trying to get rid of you.

8. THE DOCTOR DOESN'T DO DOMESTIC. PERIOD. END OF STORY.

9. the doctor loves jellybabies.

10. don't be surprised if the Doctor pulls the most random things out of his pockets. they, like the T.A.R.D.I.S., are bigger on the inside.

11. For medical reference, the doctor has two hearts which normally beat at 170 beats per minute.

12. He has an internal body temperature of 15 degrees Celsius.

13 the Doctor also has a respiratory bypass system that allows him to survive strangulation and the like.

14.Time Lords can go into a healing coma which lowers their body temperature to below freezing. if this happens, DON"T PANIC.

15.Time Lords, or at least the Doctor, can read extremely quickly so if he picks up a book, flips through it and says he is done, you can believe him.

16. the Doctor is deadly allergic to aspirin. It. Will. Kill. Him. So if you have a headache, take tylenol.

17. the Doctor is impossible. get over it.

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this is my first doctor who fic so i thought I'd do something simple. if you want a rule put up in the next chapter, then you will have to review and tell me what it is.


	2. more stuff

18. If the Doctor says run, RUN. Your life may depend on it.

19. The Doctor now hates jelly babies.

20. Do NOT feed the Doctor pears. He HATES pears.

21. Requests to help tinker with the T.A.R.I.D.S. will be met with a withering stare.

22. The Doctor likes blondes. It's weird, but that's the way it is.

23. When entering someone else's bedroom, KNOCK. (Yes Jack, this means you too).

24. The T.A.R.D.I.S. is a living, sentient being. TREAT HER WITH RESPECT!

25. When the Doctor says "don't wander off" feel free to do so. You may learn, hear, or see something useful.

26. No humans aloud on Gallifrey. No exceptions.

27. The Doctor doesn't like to talk about his past so unless he specifically tells you something, don't pester him about it.

28. Getting the Doctor in awkward situations is fun, because you can lord it over him for a long time.

29. What's also fun is going to ancient Rome, dressing in togas, and walking around chanting " Toga! Toga! Toga!" (There is a list of things like this in the index)

30. No. You may _not_ have a sonic screwdriver.

31. If you take to number 28 too much…learn to sleep with your eyes open.

32. The Doctor does not need as much sleep as humans so waiting for him to fall asleep then sneak off and do something stupid is pointless.

33. No matter how much time he has spent with humans, he will never fully understand them.

34. If he is talking and acting like he is flirting with you, ignore it. He isn't.

35. On that note, falling for the Doctor is unacceptable. DON'T DO IT! You'll only end up hurting yourself.

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_whew_ that is finally up. A big shout out thanks to all of those of you who have reviewed. Those who didn't: thBBhHttbHbT. Here is your chance to redeem yourself. That little purplish-blue button is calling you. Press it. Oh, and if you want a certain rule up here tell me. i may or may not put up an index.


	3. even more stuff

36. in accordance with number 32, if you want to sneak off and do something stupid, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

37. The Doctor likes Jelly babies again but if he pulls them out of his pocket, it would be in your best interest not to take some. Lord _knows_ how long they've been there.

38. Telling the Doctor that his outfit is yucky is hazardous to your health.

39. When the Doctor tells you to stay in the T.A.R.D.I.S., STAY IN THE T.A.R.D.I.S.! If you leave the T.A.R.D.I.S. you risk moving the plot forward!

40. Torchwood and the doctor do not get along.

41. Calling someone "Ricky the Idiot" is a term of _endearment_. Really.

42. It is okay to ask your teacher a stupid question if you really want to know the answer. It is **not** okay to ask the Doctor a stupid question because he will give you the answer in technobabble (see 2) leaving you more confused than before.

43. Asking for a map of the T.A.R.D.I.S. is pointless and stupid.

44. If the Doctor says his hair is curling, either it's going to rain or he is onto something so have an umbrella ready.

45. If the T.A.R.D.I.S. runs out of mercury, this is cause to panic (because that is what the T.A.R.D.I.S. runs on)

46. If other aliens talk about Sol 3, they are talking about Earth.

47. Once you leave your planet,_ you_ are the alien.

48. Do not feel bad if you get lost in the T.A.R.D.I.S. This is very easy to do.

49. Playing 'Never Have I Ever' is pointless because the doctor has done practically everything. Plus alcohol doesn't affect him the way it does other species.

50. On that note, playing 'Never Have I Ever' with Jack Harkness is pretty pointless because he will be wasted within 5 minutes of starting the game (and, with all the things he's done, you could be scarred for life).

51. Just because the Doctor says he can do something does not mean he can do it.

52. This does not apply to the recorder. He _can_ play that.

53. Just because the Doctor can do something, it doesn't mean he will.

54. This usually never applies because the Doctor is one big show-off.

55. Commenting on the Doctor's flying skills is a bad idea. (Note: the T.A.R.D.I.S. was meant to be flown by six Time Lords, so give the man a break. At least he can get from one place to another. Even if it's not always the right place.)

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okay people. next chapter is up!! but i'm starting to run out of ideas. so unless you have some great big rule that needs to be put in...i'm going to start working on the index. a great big thankyou to all who reviewed! i love you all!! now review again!!


	4. little things

56. The Doctor once again hates jelly babies.

57. His new obsession is bananas.

58. Taking his bananas is unwise and could result in bodily harm.

59. If you have a banana, expect to share.

60. Actually, expect to give him the bigger half.

61. Oh what the heck, just give the man the banana!

62. Insulting bananas, no matter what they do to you is bad for your health.

63. Unless you knew her, do not ask about Rose Tyler because the Doctor will clam up and not speak to you for days. This is no fault of your own, It's just that Rose was special to him.

64. If he starts comparing you to Rose call him out on it because it is wrong of him.

65. Never comment on the lameness of a sonic screwdriver. You'll regret it.

66. Always remind the Doctor to put the shields up on the T.A.R.D.I.S.

67. The Doctor has a symbiotic nucleus that bonds him with the T.A.R.D.I.S. and allows him to control her. So while _he_ might (and we stress this might) be okay with you flying the T.A.R.I.S., the T.A.R.D.I.S. might not be.

68. Unless she likes you.

69. It is a good idea to stay on the T.A.R.D.I.S.'s good side…unless you _like_ sludge dumped on you in the middle of a freezing cold shower, and other such shenanigans.

70. We cannot stress enough that the T.A.R.I.D.S. is alive.

71. She is also telepathic and gets inside your head to translate alien languages.

72. If the doctor tells you not to eat something there is usually a reason behind it, so whatever it is…DON'T EAT IT!

73. Singing "Oh Mickey, You So Fine" is really annoying.

74. so is calling the Doctor "Professor". coughACEcough

75. The only time the Doctor will kiss you or anything else is if your life or the life of millions is at stake.

76. The Doctor now has an oral fixation. It's gross but if you comment on it he will deny it the lick something ten minutes later.

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wow!! i got soooooooo many reviews! this is exciting! thanks to all the people who reviewed! I LOVE YOU!! as for those of you who saw changes that need to be made in other chapters, thankyou. unfortunately i don't know how to change it and save the changes to the story. sorry. p.s. looking for a beta


	5. bigger things

77. If you ever come across a man named Captain Jack on your travels, don't flirt  
with him. He's never looking for anything serious plus it annoys the Doctor.

78. If you ever meet a woman named Donna Noble, walk away. Don't speak to her;  
don't tell her your name. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you mention the Doctor,  
the T.A.R.D.I.S. or anything like that. It's not that she's not a lovely person;  
just that she'll die if you do.

79. It's probably best if you don't introduce the Doctor to your mother. She'll  
hate him (and possible hit him). Come on, if a man whisked your daughter away, not  
telling you what they're doing except "traveling," you would be a bit  
worried, so best not to let her find out about him.

80. Be on guard when the Doctor wears his dinner suit. Something always goes wrong when he wears it. Always.

81. The Doctor gets embarrassed by his past incarnations and things he wore and did back then. He also doesn't get along with them so if you should meet up with one, have earplugs.

82. New Earth is fun. For those of you from Earth, going to New Earth is like a right of passage. (Another one is getting your T.A.R.D.I.S. key). But unless specifically needed, try to avoid New New York. It's not that it's not a nice place, it's just that you might get kidnapped by people who are actually nice or be possessed by a trampo-bitch.

83. If the Doctor means for you to stay on the T.A.R.D.I.S., make sure that you have a T.A.R.D.I.S. key. This is a very invaluable piece of standard T.A.R.D.I.S. equipment and having it may save your life.

84. Keep a record of the exact times and places you've been to - you don't want  
to end up there again and run into yourself. For one thing it's really annoying, for another you may be tempted to give yourself hints as to what is going to happen. And being in the same place twice can cause a world ending paradox.

85. Don't let the doctor party with the French. _Ever_. He'll just get drunk on fun (remember, alcohol doesn't have the same affect on him), invent something two centuries early, get kissed by complete strangers, use all the wrong verbs, and it'll all end in tears.

86. If you are ever stuck waiting for the Doctor, wait only five and a half hours then go wander off (see 25.)

87. Have an opinion as to where you want to go. It's not fair to leave the decision making up to the Doctor. Plus you may end up somewhere nasty.

88. Pressing the randomizer button on the T.A.R.D.I.S. consol is FUUUUN! You never know where you will end up. (though that is usually what happens with _his_ flying)

89. If you meet a Dalek (or a talking upside down trash can brandishing a plunger  
and a wisk) Do not insult it, run away. Fast! (Going up stairs used to be  
useful, but alas it is no longer much safer.)

90. If a man in metal orders you to get an upgrade or references delete far to  
often he's not talking about any computers. Tell the Doctor about the  
situation immediately.

91. The Sontarans may look like a space potato, but caution should be taken at  
all times, unless you can hit the back of their neck.

92. If you meet the Master do not obey him. Consequently if you want to 'Vote  
Saxon', Don't. No, don't do that. Just don't. No really don't.

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okay i am TOTALLY dedicating this chapter to TheNextRoseTyler who reviewed so many times she practiclly wrote it. thankyou hun! now the rest of you; follow her example and REVIEW!


	6. somewhere in between things

93. The sonic screwdriver actually CAN be used as a screwdriver.

94. Please ask before you use it.

95. The sonic screwdriver is NOT a toy. Learn how to use it properly.

96. Should you decide to end your adventuring with the Doctor and return home,  
make certain that you are indeed in the correct time and place. Otherwise, you  
may find yourself needing to explain that unexpected and mysterious 2 year  
absence, or having to enquire about train times from Aberdeen to South  
Corydon.

97. Gallifrey is beautiful. There are two suns in the burnt orange sky, the trees have silver leaves that glint in the sunlight, there are mountains as far as the eye can see covered in seas of red grass and capped with snow. In between the mountains of Solace and Solitude, on the continent of Wild Endeavor is the glass-domed citadel of the Time Lords. The people there, however, are a bunch of stick-up-they're-arse prunes who will look down on you as inferior and not deign you worthy of recognition or speaking to. That is all you need to know about Gallifrey. Don't ask.

98. Don't ask the Doctor if he has a real name, he always gives a round about  
answer.

99. Should you happen to come across unmarked silver aerosol cans with white caps, DO NOT TAKE THE CAPS OFF!! They will EXPLODE!!

100. When not in life threatening danger it is still best to work those leg muscles and run every day, you'll never know when you'll need it.

101. If you encounter a famous writer (trust me you will) don't worry about referencing works that haven't been written yet. The Doctor will most likely be doing the same thing. Except he usually will tell _you_ off for doing it.

102. Never, under any circumstances, say 'nothing can go wrong'. It is like a curse, and will result in everything possible going wrong, and quite a few impossible things too.

103. Nothing is impossible when you are traveling with the Doctor. Unlikely, maybe, but NEVER impossible. (He tends to take 'impossible' as a challenge).

104. Fell free to be helpful. Don't make the Doctor do everything. Unless he tells you to mop his brow. That is just rude and annoying.

105. The Consul Room changes from time to time. Try to ignore it.

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So! we have finally hit the hundred mark! well done everybody! I would like to take the time to thank everybody who submitted their input and ideas and made it possible for me to get us to this place. THANKYOU!!


	7. hard truths

106. Be prepared to run. A lot.

107. Do not try to imitate the local language/mode of speech. The T.A.D.I.S.  
does a good job all by herself and you will just end up looking like an  
idiot.

108. As a Gallifreyian the Doctor can stop his heartbeats. Just because he has no pulse and no heartbeat does not mean he is dead.

109. Getting your T.A.R.D.I.S. key is a very special moment. It is like a right of passage. Being given a T.A.R.D.I.S. key is the Doctor's way of saying that he has truly accepted you to the T.A.R.D.I.S. family. If, by the time you read this book you do not have a T.A.R.D.I.S. key that just means he forgot.

110. Never insult the T.A.R.D.I.S. in the Doctor's presence. He will kill you. Screw  
that, the T.A.R.D.I.S. will kill you herself!

111. It is a known fact that when presented with a situation the Doctor likes to get involved.

112. The Doctor has never ki – almost never kidnapped anyone. His first companions ever were, admittedly, kidnapped.

113. Forming relationships with people from other times on the T.A.R.I.D.S. is a bad idea because when you or they leave, it will bring heartache.

114. Everyone leaves in the end. As stated before, the Doctor is the closest thing to immortal you will ever find and while you may stay with him your entire life (unlikely) you will eventually die thus leaving him.

115. Yes Jack, even you.

116. It is a good idea to make clear that you and the Doctor are not married for the benefit of the rest of the universe.

117. It is all right to flirt with Shakespeare.

118. Except you Jack. You may not flirt with Shakespeare.

119. Asking if you can get a dog might possibly result in getting a new robotic companion with a dog-like resemblance, is to smart for it's own good, and never fucking has the answer when it's important! (that ones for you Tom Baker!)

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if you can't tell, half this chapter was written with Harkness in mind. next chapter is going to be the index but don't worry, i just needed to put it up. and 119 refrences tom baker outtakes.


	8. index of entertainment

We decided to put the index here because it is a nice break from all the rules.

T.A.R.D.I.S. entertainment:

Have someone dress up as a highlander and someone dress up as a redcoat, go to one of the many battles between the English and the Scots, then walk down the middle of the battlefield arm in arm singing "Why Can't We Be Friends?"

Go to medieval England (doesn't matter where) with a list of Shakespearean insults, stand at opposite ends of a town square and start shouting abuse at each other. When the guards come to stop you for disturbing the peace, someone run up to one, demand that the other person be arrested, then grab the guard's sword (both participants) and start fighting while taunting each other (ex: "Ha! You fight like my grandmother!" "I've fought your grandmother!" etc. etc.) And then start making your way back to the T.A.R.D.I.S. (remember to ditch the swords at the last minute).

Trying to find the back of the T.A.R.D.I.S.

Calling up Jackie Tyler and telling her that Rose got knocked up by some random alien and waiting for the reaction. (Note: this may be dangerous to the health and sanity of all involved, and will take a lot of explaining to sort out.)

Stealing the Sonic Screwdriver, watching the Doctor run around looking for it (knowing how attached he is to that thing he will probably start swearing in all the languages he knows) then when he isn't looking, putting it right out in the open and yelling "I FOUND IT!!"

Rubbing in the Doctor's face that you know something he doesn't. It can be anything.

Playing dress-up in the T.A.R.D.I.S. wardrobe.

_Trying_ to cook something.

Causing major historical events. That way the Doctor can't get mad if you burn down London or something. Just try to make sure it's the right date.

Snogging historical figures.

Bind and gag the Doctor, throw him in a closet, and take the T.A.R.D.I.S. for a joyride. (Note: this is accomplished by pressing the Randomizer button.)

Nagging the Doctor to teach you to fly the T.A.R.D.I.S. is fun but not always successful.

Dropping hints to historical figures.

Just because the guide says it's a bad idea to play 'Never Have I Ever' doesn't mean you shouldn't, 'cause it's still fun.

This is a two person thing: standing just out of sight but not out of hearing range of someone else and have a conversation that could totally be misinterpreted to be about something inappropriate but is actually a totally innocent conversation and then watch that person's reaction for days! (The looks you get are priceless) then when you can't take it any more ask them what they are looking at, explain the conversation, and exclaim over what a dirty mind they have! Note: when playing this prank on the doctor be sure to get a picture of his shame. Then put it in this book for future generations.

Flirt heavily with the doctor. He gets really freaked out and uncomfortable,  
then makes some stupid excuse and leaves the room, which is very funny to  
see.

Memorize quite a long bit of technobabble (e.g. closing all z-neutrino relay  
loops using an internalised synchronous back feed reversal loop, macro  
transmission of a k-filter wavelentgh with a self replicating energy blindfold  
matrix etc.). Make sure you know it by heart, practice saying it super super  
fast and then just come out with it at a random time. The doctor's face will  
be all the entertainment you need.

During the inevitable point of any outing, when the famous figure you meet  
says something like "you and your wife", "Dr yoursurname", "Mrs Yoursurname"  
etc, just agree with them, act like you're his wife. The Doctor will be halfway  
through saying "actually, we're not married" and will have to double back on  
himself. always funny to see him getting embarrassed. Especially if you are a man.

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anybody thinks of somthing they think might be fun can ask to be added, no guarentees. i don't know if i will do another index chapter tho. even though it says complete you can still send in rules that you think a companion should know. remember, just because you stop traveling doesn't mean the Doctor does.


	9. common sense

120. How you dress is EXTREAMLY important.

121. Comfortable shoes are a must. No matter where you are, you will end up running.

122. Learn to use the T.A.R.D.I.S. laundry rooms.

123. Depending on how practical you are adjust you clothing style to something you can move around in. (i.e. tight shirts are hard to catch on things, loose pants are easy to move around in.)

124. Absolutely, ABSOLUTELY, no heels! (unless specifically told otherwise). Even if you have a talent for running in heels, you never know what sort of terrain you will be running over.

125. It is a bad idea to wear a union jack shirt during the blitz.

126. While trying to follow these guidelines, do try to wear something age appropriate. (Note: this does not mean your age, this means the age you are in.)

127. NO KICKING THE DOG! If the doctor does this, kick him.

128. Asking K9 to tell a joke is probably the dumbest thing to do with him.

129. You may not bring your pets on the T.A.R.D.I.S. (of course, if you are reading this, you probably know that by now)

130. It is a good idea to adapt to new foods, but be sure they are compatible with your biology.

131. The funniest (and most annoying) thing you will ever come across in your travels is someone who has an absolute definition of the universe. And yes, you will come across these people.

132. If something you know is impossible is happening, don't stand there saying something like "that's impossible" or "this isn't happening." Just react.

133. Expect to be kidnapped. A lot. And don't expect the Doctor to drop everything and come rescue you, chances are he is either working on his own problem, or chatting someone up using his technobabble (see 2).

134. Learning to rescue yourself is highly recommended.

135. one of the creepiest things you will ever see the Doctor do in the T.A.R.D.I.S. is his Elvis impersonation. Sometimes there is no stopping him. If this happens, LEAVE THE ROOM to avoid being scarred for life.

136. do NOT diss Cricket!

137. Unless you are told specificly told otherwise, STAY OUT OF THE LAB!! If you are allowed in there, do Not touch things you don't recognise. It could be some device that might clone you if you touch it, or it could be the Doctor's lunch from a few regenerations back.

138. Getting into fights with past companions is stupid. key word: PAST. for some reason or another they left the Doctor so fighting over who had the better adventures/ over the Doctor is pointless.

139. You will regret commenting on the lameness of Puccini or how pointless you think some of his works are.

140. Jack and Rose are not Titanic lovers. Commenting on that is liable to send the Doctor off in a huff.

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haHA! i am back! i know you all must have missed me so show that love and appreciation and review!


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